8.26.2018 first

the beginnings of my blog, dating 8/20-8/26/18

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. gotten to the point where i'm pretty much ready to publish what i've got with this little website of mine but i'm giving myself a million and one reasons why it's not ready. i haven't done a news ticker, i want to finish an actual graphic interface first, etc. obviously i know these are excuses. especially with designing layouts - it's like everytime i start to attempt something, i put all this pressure on myself that it's got to be the best thing ive ever made. like i think it's going to be the only attempt i'll ever get. like i can't fuck up once or a million times and still be able to keep trying.
god i drank too much coffee
i am still missing a title for my site, and a title for the information compendium i wish to include. a handle for myself would be good, too, since i intend to remain anonymous.
sOoOoooOoOoOoOo unmoOoOoOooOotivated pfffffffffffffffb
donking around with blogger a little to see if i can get shit up and running. i'm so behind on internet shit, and i've become so intellectually lazy. i've made almost no headway and my brain is already tired. lol pathetic *takes bigass hit off vape like that's gonna help the matter*

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actually polished off a very, VERY basic layout for my little website. it's very typical of my old style and very obviously inpired by an old relic i found from my favorite webdesign nostalgia period. but still! it's a start. i have a lot of other ideas but they'll take more time, effort, and twiddling. as always with things like this i'll get an idea that's biting off just a LITTLE more than i'm willing to chew
so far i actually kind of like my webpage idea, it's cute and old schooly and has a cozy feel, at least to me. but just like in the old days i need just a weensy bit more content. or do i? honestly. i think i should just keep fiddling with the designs and slap something up whenever i feel like it. i poked into blogger and it looks like you can just use that as free webhosting nowadays. i hope it doesn't use banners.
one things i still can't decide is whether or not to include my political crap with whatever i'm making now. i keep flopping between thinking "that's stupid why the fuck would you keep them separate?" and "of course i would have to it would ruin the vibe"
i guess i'm still not 1000% sure what the point of my little site will be?
obviously it CAN be whatever the fuck i want it to be, and i do like that idea - an open ended website with the theme being "literally whatever i please"
or i can stick with the theme of "cozy oldschool web1.0 style throwback site", but then i have that newsticker sections so the question is what to do with that? i could keep the theme and do the news ticker as i guess an almost subversive propaganda push of my ideals within a technically neutral framework
i could go with a theme of "Free learning and fun" which is where i already seem to be going
though at the end it's kind of like, why am i discussing this? the front page already has plotted a newsticker and my personal blog so i guess i'm going with the first option of "whatever the fuck i want". obviously the news will always be whatever politically leftist/antibigot/techy/science articles i like and find relevant. my blog is my blog i'll keep it anony. the little links section is cool ill add to it when i can
i have the top bar for any extra links so i guess i can make the politics page external with sections of lists like my old idea of having a database of studies and articles that support my worldviews
fuck it all. fuck the world. this is MY VANITY PROJECT I AM AND SHOULD DO WHATEVERRRRTHEFUCKKKKIWANTTTTTT
i never get to decide that enough. i never let myself even when the option is within my reach. it is about goddamn time
going back to the journaling and webdesigning mechanism is cathartic. it feels like cleaning out my soul. i feel like i'm achieving my goal in remembering who i was in my brief window of finding autonomy before that journey got siderailed.
like so many journay entries in those days literally half a lifetime ago, my period is giving my pain. i know more and have more access to drugs to help myself than back then but it plagues me still. back then it WAS worse, but was it my teenage hormones and they were ACTUALLY worse or has enduring this for so long increased my painthreshold?
for sure i fell less burdened and weighted with my heart. i still feel burdened with certain things but unreciprocated desire is far from the worst thing to be burdened with. on the contrary, the bittersweetness of this kind of pain is fun and in a way refreshing

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fiddled with making a website a litttle bit. have the bare bones up, i already dont like the way it looks and i already want to throw in the towel. yep, that's me in a nutshell. i hope i don't actually give up on this one cause it's kind of relaxing in an adult coloring book kinda way. it's literally a waste of time with no payoff but at least it's kind of soothing
making the last entry actually inspired me to work a little more. i'm really enjoying it. it feels good. it's nice to feel ok

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woke up and wasted 3 hours doing absolutely nothing as always. i piss away an awful lot of time. i've decided to keep this journal in the present tense instead of delving through the past and wallowing in shame and regret. time to move the FUCK FORWARD REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
even if i do literally nothing else today, i did this. another testament to my tiny existence
must say though, pinterest is such a dangerous fucking place. we all are addicted to the experience of mindlessly scrolling endlessly, and pinterest operates on remembering what you like to click on. of course, we all click on shit that horrifies, offends, or upsets us because we find it interesting or tantalizing or simply a good point that reinforces views concerning less pleasant subjects. so you start out with pins of mini gardens and mountains and end up with rape memes, body insecurity shit, and pictures of people starving to death, yeesh
so i rewatched serial experiments lain and found it to be very profound. one concept discussed was that of a global neural net with each individual "neuron" consisting of a single human mind all interfaced and networked to function as the earth's brain, so to speak clicking around in the areas of techno-advancement the like and discovered a scientist who has been working towards a similar goal, but using computers as neurons with an artificial intelligence existing within the global neural net, which to be honest gives me a kneejerk reactions of terror. well, another website i stumbled upon in a different search of the early web (particularly interesting parts during the NSFWNT{?} days) called principia cybernetica - claiming to explore questions of philosophy with implications and insights gained from advances in technology/knowledge i explored the page to see it has been largely defunct since 2000, but poking around found the most recent update was this year - from the very scientist looking to implement an AI global net Francis Heylighen
Man there's an entire section on memes and memetics on this site. This is going to be a blast. It's really too bad my brain is already getting fucking tired. I've gotten SO LAZY
i'd really forgotten how relieving and maybe even cathartic the act of journaling/blogging is. humans are always bubbling with thoughts and ideas and naturally we want to share and engage with others to explore them or simply express our delight and excitement. sometimes having to be the receptacle of someone else's excitement can be wearing, no matter how much love and good intent there is. with the advent of the internet, we can share in general and those who are interest can seek us out their will. no pressure, no obligation, no worn-down patience

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so i'm back to journaling.
it's been a fucking exciting night uncovering the past. via the wayback machine i've managed to actually go back and find at least a couple of my old webdesigns when i thought they were all gone to time forever and one single drawing! i wish i could find more
after taking a lot of trips far down memory lane to remember who i was in the brief phase where i was developing an identity of my own before ...
anyway i went back to my early teenage years, hence the webdesign. it makes me so nostalgic for the early internet days. web1.0 had such a cozy feel. i miss the elegance of just text and graphics without a melange of scripting languages all in one page. i genuinely do not understand how web2.0 functions almost at all. i still have hazy memories about the hullaballo coming with it and how it would cHaNgE eVeRyThInG and perhaps it did because i never could have envisioned the internet as it is today. it's... depressingly similar to modern cities. the gorgeous designs with tons of personality are gone, replaced with genericism (is that a word?) with ads abso-fuck-lutely everywhere. i remember when websites like that were only encountered on accident when you stumbled into obvious-malware-zones and not just, like, trying to read a fucking news article on businessinsider. the earliest days ads were so elegantly segrated at the top or the bottom of the page, or somehow woven into the design of the site
the idea of creating a nostalgic web1.0 style website purely for my own enjoyment is a very fun idea, it's a project i hope to actually work on and maybe complete - like back in the days i'm romanticizing. i still sucked at finishing things but i had a lot of cohesive webdesigns i had started and finished so i clearly wasn't AS bad since now i can hardly finish reading a single fucking newsarticle without feeling like my discipline is wearing thin.
things like links to really cool websites (single destination/theme websites like back in the day that would be more gimicky) like the scale of the universe, videos like imagining the 10th dimension. like a compendium of internet fun zones
obviously i can include a blog like the days of old, the idea of throwing in an old-school style guestbook tickles me.
not sure if i want to include political stuff... ahhh who the fuck am i kidding. dunno how i'm going to hide or mask it, or if i'll just add it after. or do it separate? i still like my other old idea of compiling a database of studies and articles that, though i must admit it's kind of shameful to say it outright, support my worldviews and would help me to promote them.
it's going to be a blast digging through all these old pages on the wayback machine now that ive found them. i can't believe utena.net is on there with graphics! i always found it to be so inspirational on a design level. it's like eyecandy

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:12