9.20.2018

dammit i was really hoping that last post would make me feel a lot better than it did. getting all of these thoughts i internalize and never share all the time does often make me feel good. i guess that last one barely hit the tip of the iceberg with the darkness i've let come to occupy the recesses of my mind. it's like i stared into the void and weakened the walls of my consciousness and sanity, allowing a breach to occur and thoughts and concepts to flood my mind that weren't meant for the human brain to comprehend. i wonder if something like that happens to all these "genius" tech ceo white guys who eventually lose their soul and rapidly seem deeply inhuman. i always assumed it was purely the corrupting powers of possessing that much capital, but perhaps part of it is that they truly are trying to be good people towards the beginning of their ascent to power. they seek enlightenment but the privileged experience of existing as a white male within a white supremacist patriarchy weekend their minds and spirits. perhaps they reached the inevitable decision of peering within the void when you reach it, they made the brave decision to do so, experienced the same breach, but allowed the demons to overrun them and lost their souls in the process terror management. so many times i've come to it and thought i'd made myself comfortable with the concept. i am a weak, fearful fool. i fear my death. the death of our planet, our species. i fear the death of the universe. i feel that i can feel the fear of my cells, my very atoms, knowing the imminence of entropy and feeling so tiny and powerless in the face of it. feeling so overwhelmed by the futility of living a life i know will end. no longer being able to simply content myself to enjoying earthly, mortal pleasures of the flesh. in the episode of voyager where an immortal individual from the Q species wanted to die, i felt so torn between envy and understanding. i desire immortality, but i also immediately understand its burden as i feel i've already endured as much existence as i can stand. i hope so much this passes. it's come in the past, and it has passed. but this is scary

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 13:49