9.23.2018

guh, what a rough couple of days. and i'm afraid that the way i feel now is permanent. so, i took my vacation, after years of never taking time out of work for just myself and only taking off to help the people i care about, and had 2 weeks to try to fix my physical issues resulting from years of undereating, undersleeping, too much caffeine, and too much stress. i made a poor decision in how to accomplish this - these stupid "hemp bombs" they sell at a nearby headshop. I bought them only wanting them for the CBD but i didn't read the ingredients and it turned out they contained a "proprietary herb" blend. the blend was nothing outlandish, the same kind of herbs they sell at my job, but i made the ever dubious decision to just say "fuck it" and take the fuckers in large doses. well, they worked in that they helped me relax utterly SILENCED my mind, but i noticed they were dehydrating the shit out of me. well my vacation ends and i stop taking the pills, i run out of weed utterly and completely for the first time in a LONNGGG time and am forced to take a break for just a day and a half, so i go back and get more dumb hemp bombs to tide me over since i can't get weed high. of course this entire time (and on vacation) i'm also throwing back some lemon balm and chamomile because i don't see what the harm could be (yeah i'm FUCKING stupid sometimes) as well as kava. well i start getting retarded sick, nausea, vomiting, the works. frankly, i don't remember much after that. i know i worked my shift monday but after that it's all a little bit of a blur. i think i had a headache? i know i was barfing. the next day i definitely had a skull-splitting headache. the next morning at 6 am i begged to be taken to the ER. i know i'd had trouble breathing in deeply, the muscles lining the bottom of my ribs were constricting to a ridiculous degree. i don't think i'd gotten a full night's sleep in days, just weird 4-hour chunks. cold sweats were happening, at one point i had to shake the moisture out of my usual fluffy blanket and line the couch and my own body with towels to soak it all up. i know i got my fucking period up in there on like day 2 of this nightmare. the worst was this overwhelming all consuming feeling of despair i've come to terms with the fact that i have some kind of full on eating disorder that has left its nest in my brain to manifest in all the damage my poor food habits have wrought within my body and now it's physiological and well as psychological. ugh, the mess within me. it's overwhelming. and it's such a simple thing that is taken for granted. now it looks like i might not even be able to enjoy my usual lifestyle routine. which i guess is a blessing? i've spent pretty much ~~the last fifteen years~~ as long as i can remember being a sedentary, inactive person who'd rather kick back and enjoy tv and movies and vidya games than go out and enjoy the real world. don't get me wrong - i had friends, i'd go out with them and do things from grade school to high school. but there were still countless hours during summer vacation when i chose to stay inside and watch nicklelodeon from the moment i awoke until it turned into depressing nick at night shows late at night. i think i got more socially active during middle school and early high school, but with the incorporation of weed and video games and an emotionally abusive boyfriend and i found myself desiring to withdraw more and more. i desired my seclusion; i enjoyed it. yeah i've been lonely but frankly that started even while i had friends. i suppose it's just a normal part of the human condition. but as i secluded myself more and more i always continued to just enjoy being me. laughing at message boards, learning new things, exploring new music and television and ideas. i was about to make a statement about learning important life lessons from television and growing as a person, but i suppose that point would only hold its relevance if i actually like who i am. i feel like i'm not even ALLOWED to like who i am. like it's not my lot in life - self esteem and self love are extravagances not meant for the likes of me

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:33