9.23.2018

UGH I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN. i want to do what i always do. i want to get as stoned as possible and enjoy the sensation, watch some bullshit or play some bullshit or read something that actually matters and is important, or maybe do some creative crap. but i still am plagued with these feelings of deep loneliness and guilt and being unfulfilled. i am hoping to FUCKING GOD that it's just a result of these stupid hemp bombs. or my dumb eating disorder. or that one particular tightened muscle (sitting on the couch where i am has proven to make the condition worse i REALLY shouldn't be sitting out here) what i'm afraid of, terrified of, is that something snapped inside me and i was rudely shaken out of a semi-slumber, the denial i'd be living in while letting the last few years of my life waste away. am i being too hard on myself? probably, but i'm also technically correct. regardless of having struggled with dark feelings inside me and however "rough" my start in life, childhood, or first steps into adulthood were. i feel like i've shined a light into a place in my head and now i'm fucking terrified of what i've uncovered. i knew it was there, some of it i thought i'd dealt with, but i was definitely in denial with how "balanced" i was inside. how much i'd accepted my entire life, where i am and who i am now. i have all these big ideas about the meaning of life and the best way to spend mine and it's like, i come up with answers that are too hard or too big to accomplish? WHY CAN'T I JUST RELAX. i want this feeling to end so badly

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:40