10.01.2018

it seems i've reached equilibrium again with my psychological/physical state. what a bizarre couple of weeks. it's like i got profoundly relaxed and sedated enough to rid myself of all my daily bodily pains and mental anguishes. as soon as i stepped back into my usual routine and all of my aches and anxieties came rushing back it was so overwhelming i literally broke down. i knew i was dulling these issues with all the weed, caffeine, and kava but i never foresaw them all catching up to me like this. the experience wasn't without its rewards, so to speak. i gained a lot of clarity on past and present behaviors and attitudes of mine that i was unaware of or have realized i'm unhappy with, and helped me come to terms with where i am now and how and why i'm responsible. can't move forward successfully without understanding your past. got the sad news that i won't see my crush anymore, likely sooner than i hope. i've been telling myself to let go this entire time and yet, as always, i'll likely refuse to do so and my feelings wont fade until time forces me to forget. part of me is tempted to simply find a way to anonymously send him my romantic musings, but i'm aware of the likelihood that learning he has inspired such feelings in a stranger may creep him out instead of making him feel anything positive. i made eye contact with him for a second during the meeting, though, my GOD HE IS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. i know it's most likely that he has simply noticed my own propensity to stare at him and has become self conscious. i enjoy this experience but fuck i need to grow up. i'm an adult and that is my job and i. don't. know. him. i'm not entitled to anything, and it's not fair for me to make him uncomfortable at his job. i literally hate someone else for putting me in a similar situation. i'm a hypocrite. in other news, i came up with my domain name i think. unless i get supremely unlucky and someone else snatches it up while i'm waiting for my next paycheck to hit my account. i'm also in the fairly lame situation of constantly having to weigh to choice of spending money in the moment for happiness and improving and living my life and investing in the necessity of moving on. i suppose i can save fairly quickly when i'm not being unbelievably stupid with my money, and anything i do to improve my life quality now will translate into the future though it will add the labor of having to move stuff physically to a new home. still. i guess it'll be worth it. welp there's that decision made, guess i should get to shopping on newegg. so, domain & hosting, ram & monitor for old cpu, video cards for both cpus maybe? i also gotta keep going with bringing my current place up to par at i'm over 70% there. 2 days off, plenty of time to accomplish shit. but blah, my website. i really lost momentum with that. i blogged my little heart out for a while on here but my ideas for the direction for my shit got lost. i'm probably overthinking it again and should just polish off what i have and publish. i always go full circle with that line of thinking in "what should i do next?" and arrive at that conclusion anyway. that's long been my problem with following through - overthink, get lost in indecision, never pull the trigger cause my shit never gets past 80% completion. i gotta remember to try to believe in myself, too. i'm still in a place where i automatically shoot myself down in my head constantly as a default, as if that's somehow a "safer" way to live. that's bullshit, it's garbage internalized from dumb, toxic people in the past and it's gotta stop. this is a shitstain of a rambling ass post of selfpitying garbage nonsense bullshit. i guess i'm tired? i'll try again later byenow

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 04:53