8.31.2018

Just ate a decent amount of food, feeling pretty proud. Not great that my health has gotten so bad that this is a significant accomplishment but eh, my life my journey dammit

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 19:42

Gotta relax. Gotta set down my burden. I don't have to carry it all the time. I deserve a break. Just gotta keep repeating all that til i believe it Gotta learn to not hate food again. I miss feeling human

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 18:27

I finally have a vacation of substantial length for the first time in like 7 years. Any other time off I've taken has been to take care of someone else or only lasted 4 days. Now i have 2 glorious weeks. Actually, 16 days with this weekend off, Monday on, then my vacation REALLY begins. The plan is to relax - REALLY relax. No websurfing, no news, no social media scrolling that leads to depressive spirals. Crafts, tv and movies, food and sleep

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:55

Ugh. So tired. Such a long day. Had a big win at work yesterday, only to get a text that ruined my night, and today was a loooooong day but i hopefully left things in a state where they will be resolved

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:48

8.30.2018

When considering the possibility of reincarnation, looking at it from a scientific perspective when we die our atoms are dispersed and eventually become new organisms. What if our consciousness is physical and not a single consciousness but many consciousnesses combined into one, or souls

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 20:24

8.29.2018

I gotta get better at the whole "unshouldering my burden" thing at the end of the day. In the spirit of pursuing my goals of always learning and understanding the world and people around me, I try to be a good person at work, follow my moral code, and always observe everything as much as possible - just always notice the little things. So i try to contemplate and make connections and think of how what i see relates to things i believe and learn. But it's profoundly tiresome and im suck at avoiding falling into patterns of dwelling on negative things beyond my control. My feelings towards others aren't as kind and generous as I know they should be, i pity people too much while i deeply fear invoking similar feelings in others Then i write shit like this and feel reeeeeeal arrogant

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 20:06

I find apathy so upsetting most of the time. Why stand around wasting time not giving a fuck when you're stuck somewhere regardless? I feel so ironic getting frustrated with job apathy in a corporate environment, but at the same time we all are trying to survive in it, and intentionally failing on an individual level forces low level workers to pit each other against each other when we could be supporting each other to make the best of a bad situation and, god forbid, foster a sense of comraderie and community that could be used to spark class awareness instead of company/ceo-worship as corporate culture currently encourages us to do

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 19:57

Being single again is weird. Like, I've pretty much been single for a couple of years just with restrictions. Now I get hit on by cute guys and... i just dont know how to enjoy it. Or entertain it. Or do anything but feel the strong sudden impulse to shut them down and escape the situation. Well i guess its just good to know im not completely ugly Part of it is that im infatuated with another guy, and since im me and I'm a self-sabotager i have fallen for a guy who shows zero indication of even liking me as a coworker or any sign that he has anything even superficially in common with me. And i only like him and no one else, like full on stupid love sick infatuation. The sickest part is that the feelings are so intense i dont want to let them go even knowing full well the near impossibility of reciprocation, not that i could. I've TRIED to just focus on the guys that show blatant interest but what i feel for this guy is so... different, and uncontrollable. Welp its gonna be another fun trip on this journey of unrequited love, deep painful pining, and inevitable heartbreak

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:42

Computer crapped out finally after like 9 years. It was a damn good machine to last that long. It may be good timing, anyway; I'm taking some time off work and my singular goal is to correct my omnipresent stress-related health issues so i can eat and sleep and feel human again Work has been rough, like cat-licking-your-open-wound rough. Mental and physical issues coupled with a high stress week and i am dragging. Im a little ashamed of myself. I may bitch and gripe but then i put my nose to the grindstone and knock shit out. It's like I'm finally out of gas cause i always feel like tapping out God it feels good to just get my voice out there and not have to worry about the personal judgements of a single individual just to be able to do so. I feel bad that I'm so bad at talking to people, like journaling instead is somehow cheating. But then i remember that journals and diaries have existed for ages - seemingly since humans began to possess the ability to do so.

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:28

8.27.2018

gotta admit, it's very satisfying to see a page filled up with content again. i know it doesn't really qualify as an accomplishment, but it FEELS good, and sometimes that's enough

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 02:22

after a bit more dicking around i am certain that i'm not at all sure what the hell i'm doing anymore
it seems you CAN make standalone pages in blogger, but i can't get them to display? and my main page MUST contain my blog? this kinda of throws a wrench in the gears of my plans, and i really don't know anywhere else to go to for free webhosting. i thought github did that but then i signed up and couldn't tell wtf was going on
god i REALLY gotta fall asleep, gotta be back at work in 6 AND A HALF HOURS. gotta love the crushing boot of capitalism on the back of my neck

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 02:21

8.26.2018

i wonder if you can back-date posts in blogger? anything to continue procrastinating and not catch a fucking nap before the shit shifts i'm working tonight. still having horrible habits while coming back to this old habit after half a lifetime really gives me a sense of continuity

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:18

and my crap is up! i mean kind of. and by kind of i mean i literally reduced the template to bare bones so that i can actually build around it, but i kind of figured out wtf i am doing and can now post freely at will on here instead of adding my posts to some text document hidden in a subfolder
man the concept of posting in html is weird after so long but kind of neat and, like the rest of this crazy throwback process, deeply nostalgic

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:15

first

the beginnings of my blog, dating 8/20-8/26/18

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. gotten to the point where i'm pretty much ready to publish what i've got with this little website of mine but i'm giving myself a million and one reasons why it's not ready. i haven't done a news ticker, i want to finish an actual graphic interface first, etc. obviously i know these are excuses. especially with designing layouts - it's like everytime i start to attempt something, i put all this pressure on myself that it's got to be the best thing ive ever made. like i think it's going to be the only attempt i'll ever get. like i can't fuck up once or a million times and still be able to keep trying.
god i drank too much coffee
i am still missing a title for my site, and a title for the information compendium i wish to include. a handle for myself would be good, too, since i intend to remain anonymous.
sOoOoooOoOoOoOo unmoOoOoOooOotivated pfffffffffffffffb
donking around with blogger a little to see if i can get shit up and running. i'm so behind on internet shit, and i've become so intellectually lazy. i've made almost no headway and my brain is already tired. lol pathetic *takes bigass hit off vape like that's gonna help the matter*

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actually polished off a very, VERY basic layout for my little website. it's very typical of my old style and very obviously inpired by an old relic i found from my favorite webdesign nostalgia period. but still! it's a start. i have a lot of other ideas but they'll take more time, effort, and twiddling. as always with things like this i'll get an idea that's biting off just a LITTLE more than i'm willing to chew
so far i actually kind of like my webpage idea, it's cute and old schooly and has a cozy feel, at least to me. but just like in the old days i need just a weensy bit more content. or do i? honestly. i think i should just keep fiddling with the designs and slap something up whenever i feel like it. i poked into blogger and it looks like you can just use that as free webhosting nowadays. i hope it doesn't use banners.
one things i still can't decide is whether or not to include my political crap with whatever i'm making now. i keep flopping between thinking "that's stupid why the fuck would you keep them separate?" and "of course i would have to it would ruin the vibe"
i guess i'm still not 1000% sure what the point of my little site will be?
obviously it CAN be whatever the fuck i want it to be, and i do like that idea - an open ended website with the theme being "literally whatever i please"
or i can stick with the theme of "cozy oldschool web1.0 style throwback site", but then i have that newsticker sections so the question is what to do with that? i could keep the theme and do the news ticker as i guess an almost subversive propaganda push of my ideals within a technically neutral framework
i could go with a theme of "Free learning and fun" which is where i already seem to be going
though at the end it's kind of like, why am i discussing this? the front page already has plotted a newsticker and my personal blog so i guess i'm going with the first option of "whatever the fuck i want". obviously the news will always be whatever politically leftist/antibigot/techy/science articles i like and find relevant. my blog is my blog i'll keep it anony. the little links section is cool ill add to it when i can
i have the top bar for any extra links so i guess i can make the politics page external with sections of lists like my old idea of having a database of studies and articles that support my worldviews
fuck it all. fuck the world. this is MY VANITY PROJECT I AM AND SHOULD DO WHATEVERRRRTHEFUCKKKKIWANTTTTTT
i never get to decide that enough. i never let myself even when the option is within my reach. it is about goddamn time
going back to the journaling and webdesigning mechanism is cathartic. it feels like cleaning out my soul. i feel like i'm achieving my goal in remembering who i was in my brief window of finding autonomy before that journey got siderailed.
like so many journay entries in those days literally half a lifetime ago, my period is giving my pain. i know more and have more access to drugs to help myself than back then but it plagues me still. back then it WAS worse, but was it my teenage hormones and they were ACTUALLY worse or has enduring this for so long increased my painthreshold?
for sure i fell less burdened and weighted with my heart. i still feel burdened with certain things but unreciprocated desire is far from the worst thing to be burdened with. on the contrary, the bittersweetness of this kind of pain is fun and in a way refreshing

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fiddled with making a website a litttle bit. have the bare bones up, i already dont like the way it looks and i already want to throw in the towel. yep, that's me in a nutshell. i hope i don't actually give up on this one cause it's kind of relaxing in an adult coloring book kinda way. it's literally a waste of time with no payoff but at least it's kind of soothing
making the last entry actually inspired me to work a little more. i'm really enjoying it. it feels good. it's nice to feel ok

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woke up and wasted 3 hours doing absolutely nothing as always. i piss away an awful lot of time. i've decided to keep this journal in the present tense instead of delving through the past and wallowing in shame and regret. time to move the FUCK FORWARD REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
even if i do literally nothing else today, i did this. another testament to my tiny existence
must say though, pinterest is such a dangerous fucking place. we all are addicted to the experience of mindlessly scrolling endlessly, and pinterest operates on remembering what you like to click on. of course, we all click on shit that horrifies, offends, or upsets us because we find it interesting or tantalizing or simply a good point that reinforces views concerning less pleasant subjects. so you start out with pins of mini gardens and mountains and end up with rape memes, body insecurity shit, and pictures of people starving to death, yeesh
so i rewatched serial experiments lain and found it to be very profound. one concept discussed was that of a global neural net with each individual "neuron" consisting of a single human mind all interfaced and networked to function as the earth's brain, so to speak clicking around in the areas of techno-advancement the like and discovered a scientist who has been working towards a similar goal, but using computers as neurons with an artificial intelligence existing within the global neural net, which to be honest gives me a kneejerk reactions of terror. well, another website i stumbled upon in a different search of the early web (particularly interesting parts during the NSFWNT{?} days) called principia cybernetica - claiming to explore questions of philosophy with implications and insights gained from advances in technology/knowledge i explored the page to see it has been largely defunct since 2000, but poking around found the most recent update was this year - from the very scientist looking to implement an AI global net Francis Heylighen
Man there's an entire section on memes and memetics on this site. This is going to be a blast. It's really too bad my brain is already getting fucking tired. I've gotten SO LAZY
i'd really forgotten how relieving and maybe even cathartic the act of journaling/blogging is. humans are always bubbling with thoughts and ideas and naturally we want to share and engage with others to explore them or simply express our delight and excitement. sometimes having to be the receptacle of someone else's excitement can be wearing, no matter how much love and good intent there is. with the advent of the internet, we can share in general and those who are interest can seek us out their will. no pressure, no obligation, no worn-down patience

_______________________
so i'm back to journaling.
it's been a fucking exciting night uncovering the past. via the wayback machine i've managed to actually go back and find at least a couple of my old webdesigns when i thought they were all gone to time forever and one single drawing! i wish i could find more
after taking a lot of trips far down memory lane to remember who i was in the brief phase where i was developing an identity of my own before ...
anyway i went back to my early teenage years, hence the webdesign. it makes me so nostalgic for the early internet days. web1.0 had such a cozy feel. i miss the elegance of just text and graphics without a melange of scripting languages all in one page. i genuinely do not understand how web2.0 functions almost at all. i still have hazy memories about the hullaballo coming with it and how it would cHaNgE eVeRyThInG and perhaps it did because i never could have envisioned the internet as it is today. it's... depressingly similar to modern cities. the gorgeous designs with tons of personality are gone, replaced with genericism (is that a word?) with ads abso-fuck-lutely everywhere. i remember when websites like that were only encountered on accident when you stumbled into obvious-malware-zones and not just, like, trying to read a fucking news article on businessinsider. the earliest days ads were so elegantly segrated at the top or the bottom of the page, or somehow woven into the design of the site
the idea of creating a nostalgic web1.0 style website purely for my own enjoyment is a very fun idea, it's a project i hope to actually work on and maybe complete - like back in the days i'm romanticizing. i still sucked at finishing things but i had a lot of cohesive webdesigns i had started and finished so i clearly wasn't AS bad since now i can hardly finish reading a single fucking newsarticle without feeling like my discipline is wearing thin.
things like links to really cool websites (single destination/theme websites like back in the day that would be more gimicky) like the scale of the universe, videos like imagining the 10th dimension. like a compendium of internet fun zones
obviously i can include a blog like the days of old, the idea of throwing in an old-school style guestbook tickles me.
not sure if i want to include political stuff... ahhh who the fuck am i kidding. dunno how i'm going to hide or mask it, or if i'll just add it after. or do it separate? i still like my other old idea of compiling a database of studies and articles that, though i must admit it's kind of shameful to say it outright, support my worldviews and would help me to promote them.
it's going to be a blast digging through all these old pages on the wayback machine now that ive found them. i can't believe utena.net is on there with graphics! i always found it to be so inspirational on a design level. it's like eyecandy

posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:12