10.06.2018
today i learned writing about bad things happening fictionally makes me feel bad, like a malevolent creator materializing these lives on paper only to smite them out. have i become too big a pussy?
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:23
holy shit, i just noticed - i've been doing this (blogging again) for more than a month now. wow
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 16:00
something i constantly forget about being a person and other people is just how much of what people say is informed by their own personal agendas. it's almost bizarre to consider that when some people speak, their words are always tailored to exact a purpose from whomever they are interacting with. notions of genuine interest in that person or the subject of the conversation are nonexistent.
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 16:00
10.01.2018
it seems i've reached equilibrium again with my psychological/physical state. what a bizarre couple of weeks. it's like i got profoundly relaxed and sedated enough to rid myself of all my daily bodily pains and mental anguishes. as soon as i stepped back into my usual routine and all of my aches and anxieties came rushing back it was so overwhelming i literally broke down. i knew i was dulling these issues with all the weed, caffeine, and kava but i never foresaw them all catching up to me like this.
the experience wasn't without its rewards, so to speak. i gained a lot of clarity on past and present behaviors and attitudes of mine that i was unaware of or have realized i'm unhappy with, and helped me come to terms with where i am now and how and why i'm responsible. can't move forward successfully without understanding your past.
got the sad news that i won't see my crush anymore, likely sooner than i hope. i've been telling myself to let go this entire time and yet, as always, i'll likely refuse to do so and my feelings wont fade until time forces me to forget. part of me is tempted to simply find a way to anonymously send him my romantic musings, but i'm aware of the likelihood that learning he has inspired such feelings in a stranger may creep him out instead of making him feel anything positive. i made eye contact with him for a second during the meeting, though, my GOD HE IS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. i know it's most likely that he has simply noticed my own propensity to stare at him and has become self conscious. i enjoy this experience but fuck i need to grow up. i'm an adult and that is my job and i. don't. know. him. i'm not entitled to anything, and it's not fair for me to make him uncomfortable at his job. i literally hate someone else for putting me in a similar situation. i'm a hypocrite.
in other news, i came up with my domain name i think. unless i get supremely unlucky and someone else snatches it up while i'm waiting for my next paycheck to hit my account. i'm also in the fairly lame situation of constantly having to weigh to choice of spending money in the moment for happiness and improving and living my life and investing in the necessity of moving on. i suppose i can save fairly quickly when i'm not being unbelievably stupid with my money, and anything i do to improve my life quality now will translate into the future though it will add the labor of having to move stuff physically to a new home. still. i guess it'll be worth it. welp there's that decision made, guess i should get to shopping on newegg. so, domain & hosting, ram & monitor for old cpu, video cards for both cpus maybe? i also gotta keep going with bringing my current place up to par at i'm over 70% there. 2 days off, plenty of time to accomplish shit.
but blah, my website. i really lost momentum with that. i blogged my little heart out for a while on here but my ideas for the direction for my shit got lost. i'm probably overthinking it again and should just polish off what i have and publish. i always go full circle with that line of thinking in "what should i do next?" and arrive at that conclusion anyway. that's long been my problem with following through - overthink, get lost in indecision, never pull the trigger cause my shit never gets past 80% completion. i gotta remember to try to believe in myself, too. i'm still in a place where i automatically shoot myself down in my head constantly as a default, as if that's somehow a "safer" way to live. that's bullshit, it's garbage internalized from dumb, toxic people in the past and it's gotta stop.
this is a shitstain of a rambling ass post of selfpitying garbage nonsense bullshit. i guess i'm tired? i'll try again later byenow
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 04:53
9.23.2018
so restless. i missss being stoooooooooooooooned :( :( :( :( :(
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:41
UGH I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN. i want to do what i always do. i want to get as stoned as possible and enjoy the sensation, watch some bullshit or play some bullshit or read something that actually matters and is important, or maybe do some creative crap. but i still am plagued with these feelings of deep loneliness and guilt and being unfulfilled. i am hoping to FUCKING GOD that it's just a result of these stupid hemp bombs. or my dumb eating disorder. or that one particular tightened muscle (sitting on the couch where i am has proven to make the condition worse i REALLY shouldn't be sitting out here)
what i'm afraid of, terrified of, is that something snapped inside me and i was rudely shaken out of a semi-slumber, the denial i'd be living in while letting the last few years of my life waste away. am i being too hard on myself? probably, but i'm also technically correct. regardless of having struggled with dark feelings inside me and however "rough" my start in life, childhood, or first steps into adulthood were.
i feel like i've shined a light into a place in my head and now i'm fucking terrified of what i've uncovered. i knew it was there, some of it i thought i'd dealt with, but i was definitely in denial with how "balanced" i was inside. how much i'd accepted my entire life, where i am and who i am now.
i have all these big ideas about the meaning of life and the best way to spend mine and it's like, i come up with answers that are too hard or too big to accomplish?
WHY CAN'T I JUST RELAX. i want this feeling to end so badly
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:40
guh, what a rough couple of days. and i'm afraid that the way i feel now is permanent.
so, i took my vacation, after years of never taking time out of work for just myself and only taking off to help the people i care about, and had 2 weeks to try to fix my physical issues resulting from years of undereating, undersleeping, too much caffeine, and too much stress. i made a poor decision in how to accomplish this - these stupid "hemp bombs" they sell at a nearby headshop. I bought them only wanting them for the CBD but i didn't read the ingredients and it turned out they contained a "proprietary herb" blend. the blend was nothing outlandish, the same kind of herbs they sell at my job, but i made the ever dubious decision to just say "fuck it" and take the fuckers in large doses. well, they worked in that they helped me relax utterly SILENCED my mind, but i noticed they were dehydrating the shit out of me.
well my vacation ends and i stop taking the pills, i run out of weed utterly and completely for the first time in a LONNGGG time and am forced to take a break for just a day and a half, so i go back and get more dumb hemp bombs to tide me over since i can't get weed high. of course this entire time (and on vacation) i'm also throwing back some lemon balm and chamomile because i don't see what the harm could be (yeah i'm FUCKING stupid sometimes) as well as kava. well i start getting retarded sick, nausea, vomiting, the works.
frankly, i don't remember much after that. i know i worked my shift monday but after that it's all a little bit of a blur. i think i had a headache? i know i was barfing. the next day i definitely had a skull-splitting headache. the next morning at 6 am i begged to be taken to the ER. i know i'd had trouble breathing in deeply, the muscles lining the bottom of my ribs were constricting to a ridiculous degree. i don't think i'd gotten a full night's sleep in days, just weird 4-hour chunks. cold sweats were happening, at one point i had to shake the moisture out of my usual fluffy blanket and line the couch and my own body with towels to soak it all up. i know i got my fucking period up in there on like day 2 of this nightmare. the worst was this overwhelming all consuming feeling of despair
i've come to terms with the fact that i have some kind of full on eating disorder that has left its nest in my brain to manifest in all the damage my poor food habits have wrought within my body and now it's physiological and well as psychological. ugh, the mess within me. it's overwhelming. and it's such a simple thing that is taken for granted.
now it looks like i might not even be able to enjoy my usual lifestyle routine. which i guess is a blessing? i've spent pretty much the last fifteen years as long as i can remember being a sedentary, inactive person who'd rather kick back and enjoy tv and movies and vidya games than go out and enjoy the real world. don't get me wrong - i had friends, i'd go out with them and do things from grade school to high school. but there were still countless hours during summer vacation when i chose to stay inside and watch nicklelodeon from the moment i awoke until it turned into depressing nick at night shows late at night. i think i got more socially active during middle school and early high school, but with the incorporation of weed and video games and an emotionally abusive boyfriend and i found myself desiring to withdraw more and more. i desired my seclusion; i enjoyed it. yeah i've been lonely but frankly that started even while i had friends. i suppose it's just a normal part of the human condition.
but as i secluded myself more and more i always continued to just enjoy being me. laughing at message boards, learning new things, exploring new music and television and ideas. i was about to make a statement about learning important life lessons from television and growing as a person, but i suppose that point would only hold its relevance if i actually like who i am. i feel like i'm not even ALLOWED to like who i am. like it's not my lot in life - self esteem and self love are extravagances not meant for the likes of me
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:33
9.20.2018
the whole "mandela effect thing" is really freaking me out right now because while i personally experienced the berenstain bears and shazam/kazam ones myself as well, i'm watching through the original pokemon series which i watched as a preteen (and i often liked to draw pokemon characters for fun as late as my early 20s) and notice the pikachu has a plan yellow tail. i could have SWORN i remember him having a black tipped-tail that matched its ears, so i google a picture of pikachu and they all have the plain yellow tails but i see "black tip" in the other google image options. bam, another madela effect theory
i felt a deep sense of terror that felt like it emanated from my bone marrow the first time i saw one of these and i felt it again. what could possibly be more out of our control and terrifying than a constantly shifting timeline. perhaps this has always happened, and the only reason we as a species hadn't noticed was because we lacked such a detailed means of mass communication and data storage? perhaps this is a phenomena that happens to our individuals randomly simply because space and time exist beyond the 4 dimensions we experienced and fifth+ dimensional time is constantly in flux?
fuck this is not what i need to be thinking about right now in my current emotional state. this is too much, man
god, bojack horseman REALLY did nail it so fucking hard. the key to happiness ISN'T a search for meaning, it's to fill your life with unimportant crap and soon you'll be dead. the powerful have made this reality so profoundly true that it's unbearable
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:55
dammit i was really hoping that last post would make me feel a lot better than it did. getting all of these thoughts i internalize and never share all the time does often make me feel good. i guess that last one barely hit the tip of the iceberg with the darkness i've let come to occupy the recesses of my mind. it's like i stared into the void and weakened the walls of my consciousness and sanity, allowing a breach to occur and thoughts and concepts to flood my mind that weren't meant for the human brain to comprehend.
i wonder if something like that happens to all these "genius" tech ceo white guys who eventually lose their soul and rapidly seem deeply inhuman. i always assumed it was purely the corrupting powers of possessing that much capital, but perhaps part of it is that they truly are trying to be good people towards the beginning of their ascent to power. they seek enlightenment but the privileged experience of existing as a white male within a white supremacist patriarchy weekend their minds and spirits. perhaps they reached the inevitable decision of peering within the void when you reach it, they made the brave decision to do so, experienced the same breach, but allowed the demons to overrun them and lost their souls in the process
terror management. so many times i've come to it and thought i'd made myself comfortable with the concept. i am a weak, fearful fool. i fear my death. the death of our planet, our species. i fear the death of the universe. i feel that i can feel the fear of my cells, my very atoms, knowing the imminence of entropy and feeling so tiny and powerless in the face of it. feeling so overwhelmed by the futility of living a life i know will end. no longer being able to simply content myself to enjoying earthly, mortal pleasures of the flesh.
in the episode of voyager where an immortal individual from the Q species wanted to die, i felt so torn between envy and understanding. i desire immortality, but i also immediately understand its burden as i feel i've already endured as much existence as i can stand.
i hope so much this passes. it's come in the past, and it has passed. but this is scary
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 13:49
hello, blog
i'm not doing so hot today. or yesterday. or this life. this is the only coping mechanism i can think to turn to
i'm hoping my current emotional state truly is the result of over imbibing on herbs to calm said state. granted, without the thoughts and feelings that irritate me now i wouldn't have ever NEEDED those herbs in the first place, but perhaps the extent to which they burden me in this moment is being magnified. it's hard to say, i've done so much to supress, ignore, and medicate away what i feel.
where to even start? the loneliness i've literally felt since my earliest childhood social experiences? the automatic feelings of rejection i felt before they happened, and the confirmation of being mocked and jeered by the group when i was too sad and insecure to join? the fact that some of my earliest friendships felt, even at that tiny, tiny age, out of pity? that my friends felt themselves superior to me, scornful of whatever shortcomings of mine they perceived? my mom always told me this was a result of jealousy and that was easy to believe but i wonder. i think it's more that i just have always truly been a little different. in media we revere this a la the "underdog" trope but like so many romantic characters and concepts in fiction, in real life it is very very different, hence our desire to create a more palatable "reality" in books and movies where the cruel and harsh truths of reality don't apply
this won't be the first post i've made like this one, not by a long shot. i make these journals in secret and pour my darkest thoughts and fears into them, the truths i'm only willing to admit when i'm in the most pain, and then i never look at them again. if they were made of paper i'd have burned them
yes, my loneliness and alienation have always been a theme. these traits in me have grown by an entire order of magnitude as i've grown, in my adult years having grown profoundly alienated from my family whom barely even bothers to contact me anymore, after my years of withdrawing myself. i have one single friend who contacts me almost as seldomly since i almost never contact her, we're not close, the conversation is always forced as hell and treated like an unenviable chore on my end. i suspect it's almost a charity work on her end. she's a good person. then i have my ex - a person i, frankly, handed too much responsibility to. i wanted him to be my only person, i thought he wanted that of me. he didn't.
terror management is a concept i'm too painfully familiar with. i feel human relationships are one of the only things, philosophically and i think even objectively from a purely material standpoint, that give meaning to our tiny insignificant specks of existence within this overwhelming expanse of time and space in which we dwell. i revere sciences and explorations and understanding of the universe, but ultimately it's almost as though those pursuits exist to serve our collective. well, i suppose that's not true. i think my feelings really are just getting the best of me. but this is torture.
the weed break i went through yesterday definitely gave me a glimpse into just how poor a condition i've let my body fall into. the pain from my muscles and stomach were unbearable. even now i attempt to breath deep and i can feel the band of muscles around my abdomen has restricted, as so often happens when i do not eat for a long enough span of time. then i can't breath fully, and i can't imagine a lack of oxygen is conducive to feeling just a-ok
fuck me man. if i've said it once i've said it a million times, this whole "being human" thing is for the fucking birds
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 13:39
9.18.2018
looking at this proposed "bionic tower" and it's reminding me of these eerie recurring dreams i've had about giant buildings the size of cities with thousands of people living inside them that rarely, if ever, leave. the buildings have social castes that exist in different levels of the buildings, with the lower casts obviously living in areas where the superficial conditions of the building (the condition of the walls, doors, windows, etc) has deteriorated or is treated badly. the rich live at the very bottom and are the only ones that freely get to come and go, with lower castes living in upper levels only descending to serve and work for the upper caste
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 13:48
a lot of the worst accidents in history have also been due to carelessness or undertraining. i gotta write something about the human "culture of carelessness"
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 12:19
can't believe i haven't posted in almost a week. i guess i got pretty bummed out by the end of my vacation and lost motivation, then being back at work... blech
another morning of reading about historical accidents and tragedies (mostly large-scale engineering variety) and finding the root cause in the vast majority is money and corruption.
another morning of reading about a middle eastern or african country with a revolutionary leader the US and allies fucked over. poor egypt.
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 11:59
9.12.2018
i fucking hate people who act arrogantly enlightened because they came to understood one other way of life besides their own. they looked outside of what they knew and learned there were other ways to live and they felt like their eyes are SO OPEN. SO WOKE.
like, jesus christ, you must have really lived in a smug little cocoon of self importance if the fact that there are other humans besides yourself and they're different from you is such a world-shaking revelation
the traitor eddington in st:ds9 is a sublime example of this. he's exactly what the "fedoracore whiteboy with waaaaay more self esteem than he deserves" archetype would be like born in space: reads one obscure book, stepped outside his unimaginably privileged existence to grow some damn tomatoes, and he thinks he's the wokest man in the galaxy
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 08:13
9.10.2018
very unproductive day full of negative daydreams and fruitless pining. i donked around a little with the design for my little website (my continued indecision on a domain is now the running gag in my life, by the time i pick one fucking google will have made them nonexistent.
did make a neat little connection that gobekli tepe was built right after the time that the last glacial period ended, after some significant thaws and global ocean level rises. it'd be so cool if there were evidence of advanced human civilizations buried under the ocean and that's why we've never seen evidence of them
i should work a little on hammering away on my silly little timeline i worked on. no idea how i want to format it. i guess i could easily just do it as some kind of list/table
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 21:15
9.09.2018
so what if in the pokemon world, all the animals are gone due to some mass extinction event that affected literally all animal species except for humans - even insects. since the biosphere humans are dependent on would collapse without the presence of animals and the essential functions they perform, a synthetic form of animal life was created that is a digitally projected hologram. since reproduction is a huge biological process, replicating normal animal reproduction requires enormous computing power. hence children are encouraged to rear and breed these new animals to aid in production of new units. that's why they can be stored and traded on computers... except then there's the dome fossils
scratch that, humans exist in a simulation after earth has wasted away due to environmental decay at the hands of humans and the only method to not go mad is to hook up your mind to a simulator of old earth. it's been so long since animals existed that no one remembers them, so they came up with a couple hundred cartoonish species, which can be "stored" in tiny balls and within computers because they, like everything else, are a simulation. it's difficult to live to old age, hence young people outnumber adults greatly. children are allowed to wander the simulation, engaging in a game based around catching and taming the fictitious animals - there's very little danger in them doing so due to the idyllic nature of the simulation and sheer lack of adults reduces the numbers of those who would victimize children to a minimum by default.
as work is done to improve the simulation, new species are added. unfortunately, the engineers are running out of ideas and start adding things like car keys and lamps
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 12:49
9.08.2018
Daaaaaaamn just KILLED myself deep cleaning my apartment. Back and feet are SCREAMING. I went to the sink to rinse a couple of suction cups i wanted to experiment with, noticed the wall behind the sink was getting icky, now here i am with a sparkling bathroom and kitchen. Partially. I gotta call it quits for the night
Ive tried making my own surface cleaner with rubbing alcohol and citrus essential oils with moderate success. Tonight i refilled it and added cinnamon and now sorely regret it, what a ghastly scent combo
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 21:03
9.07.2018
lol sitting around thinking about critically endangered birds, feeling sad, and i recalled one of my earliest childhood memories:
one night after watching my cartoons for the night and then all the reruns of i love lucy that aired on nick at night directly after nickelodeon went off the air (i wonder if that's still a thing for the channel to switch over, probably not. also, and this occurred to me even then, that it was a smart move to air that particular nick at night selection right after the cartoons. that was about as kid friendly and, frankly, progressive as you could hope for from that era of tv)
and, for the first time in my life, i watched beyond that funny lady (i remember staying up and watching unlimited tv a lot of nights until angrily being kicked out. wtf were my parents actually doing all the time? for sure they drank and blazed) and into the nick at night selection beyond. and the next thing that came on was dragnet, a grizzly detective show, but what aired after that really shook me. it was the old timey commercial about a native american wandering into a big city and crying at someone throwing a bag of fast food on the ground at his feet from a car window. it horrified me. i remember thinking that modern america culture is monstrous, ugly, and dirty
LOL AINT MUCH CHANGED
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 23:56
fucking capitalism. it's always fucking capitalism
reading about ancient trees, "old growth" forests. species extinct in the last century. and what's responsible? the most popular answer is "progress". it seems so natural to us that it may be our innate nature to destroy all living things in our path to establish new cities and farmland, to shape the land to our image
the thing is, we already grow enough food to feed us all. estimates in 2012 were that we were growing enough to feed 10 billion. so, why do we need more farmland?
every developed nation has enough homes already built to house every citizen oftentimes with a large surplus to spare, and with the technology and resources at our disposal on the planet creating enough housing in the third world
but this would rob the rich of their excess, and it would rob the commoners at our deluded fantasy that we may join the rich. so we allow ancient forests to be bulldozed en masse. we don't even care, science and discovery are fantasy concepts in the grueling reality of our manufactured lives under capitalism
everyone always points to the homeless and desperately impoverished and says "this is why you should be grateful for your low paying job even if the CEO has billions" but no one ever questions that these conditions exist so unnecessarily in the face of all our wealth and resources yet without them we apparently wouldn't appreciate what little the rest of us have
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 21:27
there's an experiment with rats (discussed in Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan's book Shadows of Forgotten ancestors) that explores cooperation, survival skills, and gender dynamics in mice that concludes that solitary males have the poorest survival skills.
this is a wonderful comedic irony when weighed against the ideologies of the average while male american libertarian
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:01
we may be in the midst of being crushed in an imhuman corporate capitalist hellscape in which 90% of the world's wealth in consolidated in the hands of literally a few people, but this buzzfeed article about someone being nice to a bum once restored my faith in humanity
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:17
aaaaaaand so during the 90s North Korea experienced a severe and expected famine due to social and environmental conditions. the US being the single largest producer of food in the entire largest first world producer of food, i wondered how much we helped. And we did until the bush administration saw the annual food donations go from 600k tons of food a year to 28k
particularly disgusting considering south korea specifically avoided EVER using food as an "incentive" instead of a humanitarian gift
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 12:55
i get so mad at the human species sometimes. There are so many instances throughout history where humans - en masse - will seemingly FORGET something our species has known for MOST OF HUMAN HISTORY.
the dust bowl is what's really getting to me today. like, we had farmed for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. how the FUCK did we forget how to take care of our soil? after a bit of reading the answer is pretty obvious - farmers went after soil with way more faith in technology than they should give it, and they were only so hopeful because they were blinded by the prospect of... wait for it.......
PROFIT
what the FUCK else? technology makes it TECHNICALLY possible to plow ALLLLLLLL the possible farmland, so let's FUCKIN DO IT. not enough annual rainfall? i'm sure someone'll build the irrigation. stop worrying about it, there's profits to be made!
it's always fuckin capitalism, man
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 12:41
seriously though, i now have two fully functional computers. i can REALLY get to work with my shit. this is really exciting, though i STILLLLLLLL haven't found a webhost and it does not seem possible to create blogger pages without it forcing them into some preexisting template
all my webwork is backed into my email. though. honestly there wasn't as much as i was imagining, even if it did take a decent amount of time to assemble.
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 10:51
so turns out i was wrong and my original computer is fine. the real punchline is that literally all i needed to do was try a different monitor but a week of pounding CBD pills and vaping wax can apparently make you pretty dumb, dumb enough to ignore one of the cardinal rules of technological troubleshooting i've known since i was friggin 12.
also it makes me a terrible speller - just tried to spell rules "rools" and then "technilogical" because i was spelling it from memory phonetically. i for sure reached peak derp on this vacation which feels right
to recap:
>first my video card blows out
>i yank it out assuming the onboard will pick up
>after attaching my tv with a hdmi to vga converter it still didn't work
>figure it must be the motherboard and any visual elements are just fried
>try to grab some files through my home network, realize only default folders are shared
>can't access the exact files i want so i don't bother grabbing any
>said 'fuck it' and ordered a new cpu off newegg, find one with twice the specs as my old for like $90
>2 day shipping? yeah i'll fuckin pay it
>FUCK it's the weekend gotta wait for processing so i wait 4 days total
>delivery day arrives, after checking that the gate was open every 20 minutes for 10 hours i still miss fedex
>fucking second gate was still open, delivery guy didn't even try it or see it, what an asshole
>someone volunteers to pick it up for me across town, i'm saved!
>oh no their uber driver ignored their instructions to take the toll bridge, now they're stuck in construction traffic
>FedEx lied, my package isn't at the facility yet and won't be for over an hour
>late that night, my computer arrives safely home
>said to myself "i know what i'm doing!"
>proceed to yank hard drive out of old computer and stick it in new one
>screen still isn't read it? is it the adapter???
>try other screen, it works! yeah adapter doesn't work
>hard drives freaks the fuck out, i try to backup my files to wipe drive but it won't work cause it's GIGS
>dick around with it, even try reverting to a backup point "it won't affect your files!"
>there is no more safe mode! BIOS screen looks nothing like it did 15 years ago, GO FIGURE
>attach it as secondary hard drive
>try to run recovery again, now there's 200 megs instead of 90000000 gigs
>"what the fuck i wiped my hard drive"
>mourn the loss of 10 years of files and all my website work
>it hurts so bad
>..........wait a fucking minute
>THE ADAPTER
>DIDN'T
>WORK
>reassemble old computer, turn it on
>shrill beeps emitting from motherboard
>oh no it's really over
>woops no just forgot to put any ram back in, here we go
>....
>..........
>..........................
>my computer still fucking works
>i have two computers
EXCEPT NOW NEITHER CAN CONNECT TO MY TV
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 10:49
https://www.sciencedaily.com/images/2016/09/160906103149_1_900x600.jpg
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 10:29
9.06.2018
so, my new computer arrived, delivery was a fucking mess as always but luckily i had help securing it and getting it home for which i am most grateful
the downside is in dicking around with my old hard drive with far-too casual an attitude, i corrupted the old hard drive and it looks like i accidentally wiped alllll of my fucking files. the worst part is that it looks like if i had left things alone i could have retrieved them by a couple of different means but i thought i was SO SMART i couldn't fuck everything up. i was as wrong as i could be
all of my progress i've made on this site is gone
my little heart hurts
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 23:58
9.05.2018
It's funny, just as i start this blog in my reminiscing about the Old Days of the internet (in part thanks to personal exploration to cope with trauma) i start seeing websites and articles on the same subject. The notion that it's "synchronicity" is tantalizing, but it's far more likely a logical conclusion many are coming to when faced with our troubling sociopolitical climate when so many of us have found solace and a true home within the miracle that is the internet
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 10:56
When i was in high school, i read an article warning of siberian peat bogs thawing in the future as the earths climate gradually warms, and that it would be a sort of global warming 'tipping peat', since the melting of the permafrost would release greenhouse gasses like methane trapped in those ancient swamps.
And this morning it's happening! Gotta love that irl continuity, amirite?
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/09/180904103229.htm
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 10:26
9.04.2018
The female cardassian who used to date quark in this episode of ds9 is literally wearing a stretched out slinky as a hair decoration wtf
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:49
Another goal i need to prioritize is believing in myself more and believing it to be possible that i, my thoughts, and my actions truly have merit and worth
I need to write, and form a cohesive system of morality and philosophy based on my observations and beliefs
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:45
This. is. RIDICULOUS
I HAVE to snap out of this
I have a whole vacation to enjoy
And i am when im focusing on my leisurely activities
It's just so fucking difficult not to drift into idle, lovesick daydreams
Buuut that's also in large part due to my wild lack of mental discipline. I should work on that, I've got nothing but time now!
And i need to stop slinking away to hide away in my own mind and find a way to express them in some physical way. The pathetic love poetry isn't a bad start. But what i feel is also special enough to me that I'd like to create some physical attestation to the affection for this guy who has no idea how deeply i burn for him
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 13:35
Got the balls to get cutied up and go to work to make eyes at my crush. I succeeded in looking cute, i succeeded in seeing him on the sales floor, and i RAN FROM HIM LIKE A COWARD. I was literally trembling. I tried to pull myself together and loitered for a while but i didn't get to see him again.
Spent a whole pathetic ass day fantasizing about talking him, flirting, twirling my hair and giggling at literally anything he says to be as retardedly obvious as possible
God i want him so bad. Im even half considering texting him, adding him on Facebook, ANYTHING. It's very likely I'll attend the stupid atl meeting tomorrow just to get a chance to see him again even though he might be scheduled early as fuck and not even be there
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 12:16
9.02.2018
A hurricane spawned over Cape Verde yesterday, and a quick Google search and wiki article shows just what a scary piece of news that is. Theres also a tropical disturbance just below us over Cuba, hence the weather
This WOULD be the first day in ages i want to order delivery. I might be an asshole
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 11:26
Another day off, so far I've gotten literally twice as many hours of sleep as usual, which is one goal nailed. It's a gorgeous rainy day with hard thunder and it's supposed to persist all day. I honestly couldn't have hoped for better on a peaceful day of relaxation - both cats are even hanging with me in the bedroom, in part because they are lazy cuddlemonsters and part because the weather scares them
I want this to be a break day from weed. It's gonna be tough, but i also feel it so little smoking it barely does shit. Im hoping substituting some calming herb tinctures and a buttload of CBD will do the trick
Still really want to go to work in hopes that I'd see my crush but knowing i likely won't because my luck never pans out in my favor - in fact, it's always seemed that assuming a thing WILL happen is the surest way for it not to come to pass. I REALLY want some lavendar, though. Walking in this weather does sound nice, and my hair does look great. I could just wait til tomorrow and enjoy what aromatherapy i currently have today, but I'm feeling bored and bratty
Man, my internal dialogue to accompany my typical indecision sure does make for a boring blog post. WONDER WHAT I'LL DOOOOOOOO
On another note, i ordered a computer. Not sure if i choose correctly, there's sooooooo many fucking parts and i remember so little at this point, not that i was ever an authority on hardware. But it's the first 'new' [refurbished] computer i get to play with since my old one which i bought since 2011 - which i got to replace the one i got for Wow from Dolphin Mall sooooo many years ago (it ran incredibly for 2 minutes, there was thermal paste all over the processor's pins which i didn't discover til months later). Looking back on they barely feels like my life; barely felt like ME. i always felt so much shame over being myself - not being stronger, beating myself up for just being a mistake-making imperfect young human who had nothing figured out. Looking back i don't think i deserved all that self hatred, but i suppose that's a lesson that should carry into the present
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 11:17
9.01.2018
New rant since i just screamed this across the apartment at the person who is now i guess my roommate
The wii store of old console games was an amazing idea but the execution was bullshit. The prices were too high by a lot. $8 for some random sega genesis game almost no one remembers isn't just ridiculously expensive, it's fucking STUPID. $2 would have still been high but it would have made the concept accessible - shit should have been more like 50 cents. The games then were at least 15 years old
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 18:58
Woke up early with big plans of going to work to buy some crap i want to help me to relax and hopefully "accidentally" bump into my crush and let him see me looking pretty and in a dress. Kind of glad i psyched myself out and got too nervous to go through with it; i don't really need the stuff. Worst case scenario it would have beem a waste of money and unnecessary stress of being at work off the clock. Best case scenario, my plan works and maybe we even flirt it up, which is still an undesirable option since i need to be focusing on myself and not dudes
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 11:38
8.31.2018
Just ate a decent amount of food, feeling pretty proud. Not great that my health has gotten so bad that this is a significant accomplishment but eh, my life my journey dammit
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 19:42
Gotta relax. Gotta set down my burden. I don't have to carry it all the time. I deserve a break. Just gotta keep repeating all that til i believe it
Gotta learn to not hate food again. I miss feeling human
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 18:27
I finally have a vacation of substantial length for the first time in like 7 years. Any other time off I've taken has been to take care of someone else or only lasted 4 days. Now i have 2 glorious weeks. Actually, 16 days with this weekend off, Monday on, then my vacation REALLY begins.
The plan is to relax - REALLY relax. No websurfing, no news, no social media scrolling that leads to depressive spirals. Crafts, tv and movies, food and sleep
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:55
Ugh. So tired. Such a long day. Had a big win at work yesterday, only to get a text that ruined my night, and today was a loooooong day but i hopefully left things in a state where they will be resolved
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 17:48
8.30.2018
When considering the possibility of reincarnation, looking at it from a scientific perspective when we die our atoms are dispersed and eventually become new organisms. What if our consciousness is physical and not a single consciousness but many consciousnesses combined into one, or souls
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 20:24
8.29.2018
I gotta get better at the whole "unshouldering my burden" thing at the end of the day. In the spirit of pursuing my goals of always learning and understanding the world and people around me, I try to be a good person at work, follow my moral code, and always observe everything as much as possible - just always notice the little things. So i try to contemplate and make connections and think of how what i see relates to things i believe and learn. But it's profoundly tiresome and im suck at avoiding falling into patterns of dwelling on negative things beyond my control. My feelings towards others aren't as kind and generous as I know they should be, i pity people too much while i deeply fear invoking similar feelings in others
Then i write shit like this and feel reeeeeeal arrogant
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 20:06
I find apathy so upsetting most of the time. Why stand around wasting time not giving a fuck when you're stuck somewhere regardless? I feel so ironic getting frustrated with job apathy in a corporate environment, but at the same time we all are trying to survive in it, and intentionally failing on an individual level forces low level workers to pit each other against each other when we could be supporting each other to make the best of a bad situation and, god forbid, foster a sense of comraderie and community that could be used to spark class awareness instead of company/ceo-worship as corporate culture currently encourages us to do
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 19:57
Being single again is weird. Like, I've pretty much been single for a couple of years just with restrictions.
Now I get hit on by cute guys and... i just dont know how to enjoy it. Or entertain it. Or do anything but feel the strong sudden impulse to shut them down and escape the situation. Well i guess its just good to know im not completely ugly
Part of it is that im infatuated with another guy, and since im me and I'm a self-sabotager i have fallen for a guy who shows zero indication of even liking me as a coworker or any sign that he has anything even superficially in common with me. And i only like him and no one else, like full on stupid love sick infatuation. The sickest part is that the feelings are so intense i dont want to let them go even knowing full well the near impossibility of reciprocation, not that i could. I've TRIED to just focus on the guys that show blatant interest but what i feel for this guy is so... different, and uncontrollable. Welp its gonna be another fun trip on this journey of unrequited love, deep painful pining, and inevitable heartbreak
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:42
Computer crapped out finally after like 9 years. It was a damn good machine to last that long. It may be good timing, anyway; I'm taking some time off work and my singular goal is to correct my omnipresent stress-related health issues so i can eat and sleep and feel human again
Work has been rough, like cat-licking-your-open-wound rough. Mental and physical issues coupled with a high stress week and i am dragging. Im a little ashamed of myself. I may bitch and gripe but then i put my nose to the grindstone and knock shit out. It's like I'm finally out of gas cause i always feel like tapping out
God it feels good to just get my voice out there and not have to worry about the personal judgements of a single individual just to be able to do so. I feel bad that I'm so bad at talking to people, like journaling instead is somehow cheating. But then i remember that journals and diaries have existed for ages - seemingly since humans began to possess the ability to do so.
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 09:28
8.27.2018
gotta admit, it's very satisfying to see a page filled up with content again. i know it doesn't really qualify as an accomplishment, but it FEELS good, and sometimes that's enough
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 02:22
after a bit more dicking around i am certain that i'm not at all sure what the hell i'm doing anymore
it seems you CAN make standalone pages in blogger, but i can't get them to display? and my main page MUST contain my blog? this kinda of throws a wrench in the gears of my plans, and i really don't know anywhere else to go to for free webhosting. i thought github did that but then i signed up and couldn't tell wtf was going on
god i REALLY gotta fall asleep, gotta be back at work in 6 AND A HALF HOURS. gotta love the crushing boot of capitalism on the back of my neck
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 02:21
8.26.2018
i wonder if you can back-date posts in blogger? anything to continue procrastinating and not catch a fucking nap before the shit shifts i'm working tonight. still having horrible habits while coming back to this old habit after half a lifetime really gives me a sense of continuity
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:18
and my crap is up! i mean kind of. and by kind of i mean i literally reduced the template to bare bones so that i can actually build around it, but i kind of figured out wtf i am doing and can now post freely at will on here instead of adding my posts to some text document hidden in a subfolder
man the concept of posting in html is weird after so long but kind of neat and, like the rest of this crazy throwback process, deeply nostalgic
posted by Passenger Pigeon @ 15:15
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